baggy-pants

Be Positive - THE REASON YOU DID NOT GET INTO IIM AHMEDABAD

2009-10-06T06:42:00.000-07:00

A beautiful Madam was having trouble with one of her students in 1st
Grade class. Madam asked,'Boy. What is your problem?'

Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
4th Grade!'

Madam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While
the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy
a test and if he failed to answer any of his
Questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Boy.: '9'.

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy.: '36'.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade
should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, 'I think Boy
can go to the 4th grade.'

Madam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions.

Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.

Madam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of'?

Boy, after a moment 'Legs.'

Madam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

Boy.: 'Pockets.'

Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
Delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Boy was taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer..

Boy.: Shake hands

Madam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large
Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.

Boy.: Nose

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy.: Arrow

Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of
heat and excitement?

Boy.: Fire truck

Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get
it, u have to use ur hand.

Boy.: Fork

Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men
than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his
wife after they're married?

Boy.: SURNAME.

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of
veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

'Send this Boy to
IIM AHMEDABAD (Indian Institute Of Management)
I got the last ten questions wrong myself!'

30 Things To Do In An Exam When You Know You're Going To Fail It Anyways!

2009-05-09T23:55:00.001-07:00

Posting of LINKS to other websites and Facebook groups is strictly forbidden and will result in deletion and a ban. This also applies to those who SPAM and TROLL as well. Please do not do it.
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1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

8. Be as vulgar as possible during the exam, make sure every sentence has every other word as a swear word or some sexual innuendo for example.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

24. Masturbate.

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

The Slum Dog Millionaire

2009-04-14T01:11:00.001-07:00

Brilliant Movie, But a Whole New Meaning to the Word

Paid for Sex, And Still in Trouble

2009-04-14T01:07:00.000-07:00

This is claimed to be an Original News Story Printed in a News Paper

Here is the Scan

Who Says Men Can't Multi Task

2009-04-14T00:58:00.000-07:00

--
I do not claim ownership on the content or the Copyright of this Video. This came to me in an email forwarded by a few people, and I thought it would be nice to share this with every one here.

Make My Day - We should All Tell Old Ladies to Do This

2009-04-14T00:24:00.000-07:00

--
I do not claim ownership on the content or the Copyright of this Video. This came to me in an email forwarded by a few people, and I thought it would be nice to share this with every one here.

Move over Hinglish, It's the Time for Euro English

2009-04-04T00:21:00.001-07:00

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Monkeys Have Grandfathers Too

2009-04-04T00:14:00.000-07:00

A hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under
one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.
A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were
gone. He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys
and they had taken all his hats. The hat seller sits down and thinks of how he
can get the hats down.

While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment,the
monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat,
the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took
his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he
finally managed to get all his hats back.
Fifty years later, his grandson, also became a hat-seller and had
heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day,
just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very
hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the
floor.

He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on
the tree. He remembered his grand father's words,
started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his
hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now,
very convinced of his grandfather's idea, threw his hat on the floor
but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all
the hats. Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on
the floor, gave him a slap and said
.......................
Guess What????????

................................................
"You think only you have a grandfather?"

Sexual Myths

2009-03-29T22:05:00.000-07:00

A man boards a Jet Airways flight from Delhi to Mumbai and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a gorgeous woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat.

Lo and behold, she takes the seat right next to his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he asks "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles, and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Sexologists Convention."

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him, and she's a sexologist! Struggling to contain his excitement and maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he says, swallowing hard. "What m-m-m-myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African men are the best endowed when, in fact, it's the Tamilian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, whereas actually it is the Bengali. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Sardar."
Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry,"she says,

"I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"

"*Venkatraman!" the man blurts out. "Venkatraman Mukherjee! But all my friends call me Joginder Singh!"

Emerging 'isms' of the new economy

2009-03-29T08:03:00.000-07:00

INFOSYSism
You have a 1000 poor cows. You put them on a nice campus, & send them one at a time to the US for milking.

PATNIism
You have 10 cows. You make them work so that they give milk of 100 cows

WIPROism
GE has a cow. You take 49% of the milk.

DELLism
Intel has a Goat. Samsung has a Camel. Buy milk from both & sell it as Cow's milk.

IBMism
You have old stubborn cows. You sell them as pet dogs to innocent small businessmen.

MICROSOFTism
You have a cow. Force the world to buy milk from you. Spend a million dollars to feed poorer cows.

SUNism
You have a bull. It doesn't give milk. You hate Microsoft.

ORACLEism
You have a cow. You don't know which side to milk, so you sell tools to help milk cows.

SAPism
You don't have a cow You sell milking solutions for cows implemented by milking consultants.

APPLEism
You have a cow. You sell iMilk.

SONYism
You have a cow. You spend $50 mn to develop the world's thinnest milk..

CITIBANKism
Welcome to Citibank. If you have a cow, press 1. If you have a bull, press 2...stay on line if you'd like our customer care to milk it for you.

HPism
You don't know if what you have is a cow. You sell complete milking solutions through authorised resellers only.

GEism
You have a donkey. People think you have a 100-year old cow. If someone finds out, that's his imagination at work.

RELIANCEism
You don't yet have a cow. You sell empty cans to people for Rs. 501, because Dhirubhai wanted everyone to have milk.

TATAism
You have a very old cow. You re-brand it as TATA Indicow.

Getting Fired ?

2009-03-02T10:44:00.000-08:00

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, software engineers will be detested, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

Your Thoughts ?

Sample Divorce Letter

2009-02-22T19:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that
I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good man to you for seven years

and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that
you had quit your job today and
that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't
even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut,
cooked your favorite meal,
and even wore a brand new pair of

silk boxers later that night.
You came home, nibbled at your food
for two minutes, and went straight to sleep
after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore,
you don't want sex anymore or anything.
Either you're cheating on me
or you don't love me.
Whichever is the case....I'm gone.

Signed,

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me.

Your sister and I are moving away

to West Virginia together. Have a great life!

********************

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more enjoyable
than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married
for seven years, although a 'good man'
is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because
they drown out your constant
whining and griping.
It's just too bad it doesn't work.

Yes, I did notice when you got a hair cut
last week.....and actually the first thing
that came to my mind was
"You look just like a girl"
but my mother raised me not to say anything
at all if you can't say anything nice.
And when you cooked my favorite meal,
you must have gotten me confused with my
SISTER, because I stopped eating pork
seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had
those new silk boxers on because
the price tag was still on them.
I prayed that it was just a coincidence
that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars
from me that morning and your silk
boxers were $49.99...

After all of this, I still loved you

and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the
lotto for twenty million dollars,
I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii.
But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life
you've always wanted.

My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote,
you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this
but
my sister 'Carla'...

was born Carl.
I hope that's not a problem for you.

New Seat Belt Types - National Highway Safety Council

2009-01-23T21:11:00.000-08:00

Affective January 1, 2009

The national Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed. Correct installation is illustrated below.......

Please
Pass on to family and friends.

THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!

And then the Fight Started

2009-01-22T22:21:00.000-08:00

When I got home last night, my wife
demanded that I take her someplace expensive... .
So, I took her to a gas station.....

And then the fight started....

****

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be
A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time,
simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a
friend."

And then the fight started....

********

After retiring, I went to the Social
Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had
left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but
I would have to go home and come back later
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly
silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest
is proof enough for me'
And she processed my Social Security
application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife
about my experience at the Social Security office
She said, 'You should have dropped your
pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly
dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the
garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled
back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is
terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can
you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...

****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my
high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her
drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I
understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many &
years
ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter,
for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak,
medium
rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started.....

****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the
bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and
says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn
near perfect.'

And then the fight started....

--
Thanks MC

Job Oriented Education

2007-10-10T06:35:00.001-07:00

'Students First In Line' Program To Offer Job Training At Needy Schools

Funny, They Dare Osama to Bomb em' again

2007-10-10T06:24:00.000-07:00

Country Music Stars Challenge Al-Qaeda With Patriotic New Song â��Bomb New Yorkâ��

WHAT IS MARRIAGE???

2007-10-10T06:10:00.000-07:00

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.
6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.
19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.
21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.
22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
24. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.
25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
lighs on.
26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.
27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

"Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn" by Dave Barry

2007-10-10T06:07:00.000-07:00

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

Leg Watching --- ahem Bird Watching

2007-10-10T06:05:00.000-07:00

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held. The professor passed out a sheet of small paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs.

The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. Our student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute. Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever written."

The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have not filled in anything and you definitely have failed the test. Tell me, what's your name?"

The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, "You tell me..."

Why geeks like computers

2007-10-08T12:23:00.000-07:00

unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep............

If you did not understand, you neeed to be a Geek

G

I found a Doc that Will cure my Bad humor.. hmmm Tumor......

2007-09-16T03:15:00.001-07:00

World's Oldest Neurosurgeon Turns 100

Would you like to Go Back in Time ?? Think Again

2007-09-16T03:10:00.001-07:00

Should Americans Return To A Simpler, Stone Age Lifestyle?

Three Lessons for Some Great Management

2007-09-16T03:02:00.000-07:00

Lesson One

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

*Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth day, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

*Management Lesson - Bull sh** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

*Management Lesson - (1) Not everyone who sh**s on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh** is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep sh**, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Bugging Telemarketers - How to make sure they never call you !!

2007-08-11T07:05:00.001-07:00

These are 5 affective steps that have worked for me, try, maybe they work for you as well

1. Keep a note of the numbers of all telemarketing companies calling you. When you get a call from someone, ask them to call you at your office number, and pass on the numbers from your stored list.

2. Pester the Woman to Marry you, and if it's a guy, and you are a guy, tell him you are gay, and you'd love to meet em.

3. If they are offering you a life insurance, tell them that you are dying of A.I.D.S and will want a cover of 10 Crores

4. If they are offering you a Free Credit Card, tell them that you only want the ones you have to pay for, you don't take free things from strangers

5. If the call is about your car insurance, tell them that you just had your car stolen, and want them to insure it because you forgot to renew your last insurance.

Trust me, they will not call you BACK.

G

Have you Promoted Aids Awareness, Worn a Ribbon, Ran a Marathon - See this

2007-08-11T07:03:00.000-07:00

A Friend's Cancer: Good For Your Health?

Have a Brilliant Idea, Get some Funding

2007-08-11T06:59:00.001-07:00

This woman, found out, that she has consistent result if she stabs the monkeys in her lab, anywhere from 7 to 9 times.. watch the video, if you are an animal lover, beware.

Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys

Why Can't Blueline Drivers Drive Properly - Blame it on the Entrance Test

2007-08-11T06:43:00.000-07:00

Excerpts found from our exclusive find of the Blueline Driver Licence Examination, (PS we are not trying to be racial)

DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
NOTE: Please do not shoot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give you the licen.
For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.
1. Last name:

(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)

2. First name:

(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)

3. Age:

(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)

4. Sex: ____ M _____ P(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable

5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right

6.Occupason:

(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_)Un-employed
(Check karet box)

7. Number of children libing in the household: ___

8. Number that are yours: ___

9. Mather name: _______________________

10. Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no,leave blank)

11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

12. Dental rekard:

(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other
__________ Give egjhakt color
(Check karet box)

13.Your thumb imparesson :

____________________________

(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.)

PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS

Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dont have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.

NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.

WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THISs

A Saudi Interview for Visa to the US

2007-08-10T23:15:00.000-07:00

A Saudi being interviewed at the US Embassy for Visa :-

COUNSEL: "Your name, please"?

SAUDI: "Salem".

COUNSEL: "Sex?"

SAUDI: "Six times a week".

COUNSEL: "I mean male or female?"

SAUDI: "Both male & female and sometimes even camels".

COUNSEL: "Holy cow!"

SAUDI: "Yes, cows & dogs too".

COUNSEL: "Man, isn't that hostile?"

SAUDI: "Horse Style, dog style, an style!

COUNSEL: "Oh dear!"

SAUDI: "Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

Some Sardar Jokes - Again

2007-08-02T12:27:00.000-07:00

Remember I told you, how you could replace a blonde with a Sardar, and the joke remained the same, well here are some new funny ones.

----
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.
Sardarji goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last Words.
And finds It means "U R STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!"
----
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For Best Results put on Two Coats"
----
Santa Singh MBBS
After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his Own practice.
He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch.
Finally he said, I have some good news, the batteries and the Torch are OK

Microsoft Helps Taj Mahal to Move from Agra to Pune

2007-08-02T12:25:00.000-07:00

No jokes, they can do anything, they even managed to launch Windows Vista at the Taj, and now supreme court wants to know why :)

Popoye's Mom

2007-08-02T12:24:00.001-07:00

Remember the Sienfeld Episode, where George has a doll that looks like his mom, well this lady.. just reminded me of Popoye.

Girl Friends Rule

2007-08-02T12:21:00.000-07:00

I have been working on some radical, funny, new t-shirt quotes, but this one, really took me by surprise..

Brilliant New Business Opportunity

2007-07-31T13:14:00.000-07:00

They said, India was taking away jobs, making American's jobless, well this latest video from the Onion News Network talks about it all, watch out Mr. Friedman, you don't have this example in your book.

Report: Many U.S. Parents Outsourcing Child Care Overseas

The Internet has Crashed - Seriouslly

2007-07-23T14:07:00.001-07:00

I don't know if this will ever happen, but right now, I just could not figure out, how this guy kept a straight face through the video.. watch it.. you have never seen anything like this before.

G

Planning a Divorce, Read the AtoZ

2007-07-20T23:43:00.000-07:00

A is for Alimony … the gift that keeps on giving.

B is for Balls … which are now ours again.

C is for Court … where you finally find out the meaning of a good screw.

D is for Divorce … the alternative to ax murder.

E is for Equitable Distribution … another oxymoron.

F is for Flatulence … finally we can let loose without being criticized for causing the flowers to wilt.

G is for Gandhi…someone you could actually say had lost weight without having to lie.

H is for House … which the bitch also got.

I is for Inmate … where you also get to room with Bubba when the child support is late.

J is for Jewelry … the former great equalizer.

K is for Kids … the best of everything.

L is for Lawyer … whose most recent vacation you just paid for.

M is for Mother … and Oh what a Mother Fucker!!

N is for Not tonight, I have a headache.

O is for Overdrawn … what your checking account always was.

P is for PMS … what we say: “No, honey, you don’t look like you’re retaining water.” …what we mean, “No wonder there’s a citywide drought.”

Q is for Quarter … what YOU get for each dollar SHE gets.

R is for Rehearsal Dinner … should never have stayed for dessert.

S is for Sex … thank goodness she rolled in her sleep.

T is for Throat … the anatomic area she goes for in the settlement.

U is for UPS … the delivery guy you are on a first name basis with, and who spent more time at your house than you did.

V is for Visa … one of several cards she maxed out.

W is for Wrong … which you always were.

X is for X chromosome … I swear some women have more than two!

Y is for Yacht … maybe the next guy will have one.

Z is for Zirconium … I wonder if she ever figured out that all her diamonds were Cubic Zirconium.

What if these Glasses were made mandatory in India ?

2007-07-20T00:53:00.001-07:00

So, what do you think if these glasses were made mandatory in India, where would you look ?

G

Can you do this in India ? I don't think So

2007-07-20T00:34:00.000-07:00

Women lost with directions, even though they had a map, but the map, was just in the wrong place.. Check out the video.

G

Difference Between a Prostitute and a Drug Dealer

2007-07-02T13:38:00.000-07:00

Q. What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A. A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

G

Understanding Women - The Rules

2007-07-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn’t abide by THE RULES, it is because he can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.

17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

G

10 Ways to tell someone their fly is unzipped

2007-07-02T13:33:00.000-07:00

1. “The cucumber has left the salad.”

2. “Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.”

3. “Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.”

4. “Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.”

5. “Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!”

6. “Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.”

7. “You’ve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.”

8. “You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.”

9. “I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?”

10. “Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis.”

G

New Cigarette Pack Warnings - Serious Business

2007-06-27T11:46:00.000-07:00

A Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual “equipment.”

* Warning!: These cigarettes are king size — how about you?

* Warning!: Smoking sections in restaurants aren’t the only things getting smaller.

* Warning!: If you don’t reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.

* Warning!: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.

* Warning!: Smoke rises, but you may not.

* Warning!: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children — That is… if you’re capable of conceiving any.

* Warning!: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff — so do you.

* Warning!: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there’s no before?

* Warning!: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.

* Warning!: Don’t throw lit cigarettes in the urinal — you might not have the range to put them out.

Computer Geek Pickup Lines

2007-06-27T11:37:00.000-07:00

Trust me, don't try them with anyone who is not a Geek.

- Nice Set of Floppies!

- Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.

- I'd like to play on your laptop.

- Need me to unzip your files?

- If you were an ISP, I'd dial you all day long!

- I'd like to boot up your PC!

- I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen!

- I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)

- I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...

- Your homepage or mine?

G

6 One Minute Business Lessons

2007-06-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Telling the time by looking at a Blondes' legs

2007-06-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

Another one, though here again, you will find it difficult to replace my blonde friend with a sardar, but sure.. let's go ahead..

In the Morning

!!

By the afternoon, she is day dreaming
!(

In the evening, after a great romp
()

Bed time, too much to drink, too much fun

)(

G

Kar Di na Saradaron wali Baat !

2007-06-20T13:08:00.001-07:00

Well this is not a joke, where you will be able to replace a blonde with a sardar so easily, but try, it will give you another laugh, so where is the joke..

Golu & Bholu are two good friends who travel to office by bus each day, one day Golu meets Bholu on a bus stop riding a bike, and out of amazement, bholu asks Golu on how he bought the bike, the following is the excerpt of their conversation

Golu: Oye Bholu, meri nayi bike dekhi ?
Bholu: Are Golu paaji, kithon le kar aye, kinne paise kharche
Golu: Paaji, free hai, lottery lagi hai !
Bholu: Na na, such dus, nayi taan mere leyi wi leni payegi ik
Golu: Oh yaar, main raat nu late ho gaya si, aande wele main lift mangi bike wale bande ton, thodi der wich mainu pata lagya, oh kudi hai, oh mainu jungle lay gayi, oothe jakar unhe kapde laye, te kehndi hai, jo lena hai le la golu. Main bike fadi, te ley aayan.
Bholu: Oh changa kita, kudiya de kapde sade kis kam aane si, hun office jana te asaan ho gaya na.

G

A common joke from childhood, happens in real life

2007-06-20T07:12:00.001-07:00

When I was a kid, I heard of a joke, where a neighbourhood shopkeeper announces a sale of 50% off, the next door guy to up his ante, announces 60% off, and this goes on, till the other guy announces a 100% off, well this was all a joke, if you dont' remember it, maybe one day I can tell it to you, but the picture below caught my attention

What simple magic tells me in case of 150% is, you go pay Rs. 975 for the book, and they will give you back 975 * 1.5 = 1462.5 and a copy of the book.. WOW.. now this really is a joke.. I know it is nothing to spread on SMS, but it's worth it, to know more click here

G

The Good Bad and The Ugly

2007-06-19T04:03:00.000-07:00

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
--
Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
--
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: She’s a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

G

Saving Lives - Twice

2007-06-18T14:14:00.001-07:00

DEAR DIARY .. DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I’ve packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I’m really excited.

DEAR DIARY … DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY … DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also played some shuffleboard and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

DEAR DIARY DAY FOUR
Went to the ship’s casino … did OK … won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his stateroom. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY … DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn’t let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.

DEAR DIARY … DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today …. twice.

The Case of the Ticket with No Name !!

2007-06-18T12:24:00.000-07:00

A ticket inspector catches a bengali babu dressed well, shiny stuff on him, without a ticket. On inquirng the reason for his travelling ticketless, the Babu says he was helpless, though he could afford the ticket, but since the ticket can't be made without a name, he had to travel without a ticket.

This is the Dialog that happens

[TT]: Well what is your name..
[Babu]: D.K. Bose
[TT]: So where is the Problem ?
[Babu]: Well they keep putting it as Bose D K

Did not understand, no problem.. read it again.

G

Why are Women more Intelligent than Men ?

2007-06-18T12:21:00.000-07:00

A few days, back when the radio channel Meow, a women's only radio channel went online, the RJ Ginni I think was talking about how men think they are more intelligent while women are more intelligent, now this my dear has been a matter of discussion / debate for ages, but I think I finally figured out, that women are more intelligent.. Why you ask me, well they are the only one's with two memory (read mamary) glands.. Men have them missing :)

Now imagine.. two slots, of memories.. ha ha

G

The Case of the Missing Sardar

2007-06-18T12:16:00.001-07:00

Two Sardars on a road, one is busy digging holes, and the other following him is filling them in. This happens all day round, and the Sardars make sure that the whole road is dug up and filled. A man standing in awe of the hard work finally approaches them, and asks, well what you are doing looks all fine, and you are putting in a lot of hard work, but I don't see no sense in it.

The guys reply, we really can't do much, the third sardar who plants the trees took a holiday today.

G

PS: (If I am hurting your emotions, please feel free to replace Sardar with Blonde)

Why Baggy Pants ?

2007-06-18T12:12:00.000-07:00

Well, Joker, Sardar, Blonde are a few words that can make you laugh, even before the joke was told, have you ever noticed, that you can replace the word Sardar for Blonde in any Blonde Joke or vice versa, and still retain the spice / fun quotient of the joke, so, Singh Sahib, Sardarji, and others were out of the question, some basic education told me, (and I think I am right on this one), that I can goto a Thesaurus and find the equal word for something in my head, so head on to Thesauras.Com, punch in Joker, and what comes up, Baggy Pants Man,... aaah revelation.. eureka.. moment.. ooh.... baggy pants sardar.. simply baggy-pants.. Welcome to my new Blog, let's see if I can actually make you laugh.

Some of these Jokes are Jokes, that I think I made myself, some that I come across on a Daily Basis, some well you know, how people can bug you with sms's.

Let's see if I can actually make a career out of stand up.. can I make you laugh ?

G