A Saudi Interview for Visa to the US

A Saudi being interviewed at the US Embassy for Visa :-

COUNSEL: "Your name, please"?

SAUDI: "Salem".

COUNSEL: "Sex?"

SAUDI: "Six times a week".

COUNSEL: "I mean male or female?"

SAUDI: "Both male & female and sometimes even camels".

COUNSEL: "Holy cow!"

SAUDI: "Yes, cows & dogs too".

COUNSEL: "Man, isn't that hostile?"

SAUDI: "Horse Style, dog style, an style!

COUNSEL: "Oh dear!"

SAUDI: "Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

Planning a Divorce, Read the AtoZ

A is for Alimony … the gift that keeps on giving.

B is for Balls … which are now ours again.

C is for Court … where you finally find out the meaning of a good screw.

D is for Divorce … the alternative to ax murder.

E is for Equitable Distribution … another oxymoron.

F is for Flatulence … finally we can let loose without being criticized for causing the flowers to wilt.

G is for Gandhi…someone you could actually say had lost weight without having to lie.

H is for House … which the bitch also got.

I is for Inmate … where you also get to room with Bubba when the child support is late.

J is for Jewelry … the former great equalizer.

K is for Kids … the best of everything.

L is for Lawyer … whose most recent vacation you just paid for.

M is for Mother … and Oh what a Mother Fucker!!

N is for Not tonight, I have a headache.

O is for Overdrawn … what your checking account always was.

P is for PMS … what we say: “No, honey, you don’t look like you’re retaining water.” …what we mean, “No wonder there’s a citywide drought.”

Q is for Quarter … what YOU get for each dollar SHE gets.

R is for Rehearsal Dinner … should never have stayed for dessert.

S is for Sex … thank goodness she rolled in her sleep.

T is for Throat … the anatomic area she goes for in the settlement.

U is for UPS … the delivery guy you are on a first name basis with, and who spent more time at your house than you did.

V is for Visa … one of several cards she maxed out.

W is for Wrong … which you always were.

X is for X chromosome … I swear some women have more than two!

Y is for Yacht … maybe the next guy will have one.

Z is for Zirconium … I wonder if she ever figured out that all her diamonds were Cubic Zirconium.

Difference Between a Prostitute and a Drug Dealer

Q. What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A. A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

G

Understanding Women - The Rules

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn’t abide by THE RULES, it is because he can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.

17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

G

10 Ways to tell someone their fly is unzipped

1. “The cucumber has left the salad.”

2. “Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.”

3. “Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.”

4. “Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.”

5. “Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!”

6. “Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.”

7. “You’ve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.”

8. “You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.”

9. “I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?”

10. “Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis.”

G

New Cigarette Pack Warnings - Serious Business

A Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual “equipment.”

* Warning!: These cigarettes are king size — how about you?

* Warning!: Smoking sections in restaurants aren’t the only things getting smaller.

* Warning!: If you don’t reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.

* Warning!: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.

* Warning!: Smoke rises, but you may not.

* Warning!: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children — That is… if you’re capable of conceiving any.

* Warning!: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff — so do you.

* Warning!: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there’s no before?

* Warning!: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.

* Warning!: Don’t throw lit cigarettes in the urinal — you might not have the range to put them out.

Computer Geek Pickup Lines

Trust me, don't try them with anyone who is not a Geek.


- Nice Set of Floppies!

- Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.

- I'd like to play on your laptop.

- Need me to unzip your files?

- If you were an ISP, I'd dial you all day long!

- I'd like to boot up your PC!

- I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen!

- I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)

- I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...

- Your homepage or mine?

G

Saving Lives - Twice

DEAR DIARY .. DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I’ve packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I’m really excited.


DEAR DIARY … DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.


DEAR DIARY … DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also played some shuffleboard and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.


DEAR DIARY DAY FOUR
Went to the ship’s casino … did OK … won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his stateroom. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.


DEAR DIARY … DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn’t let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.


DEAR DIARY … DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today …. twice.

The Case of the Ticket with No Name !!

A ticket inspector catches a bengali babu dressed well, shiny stuff on him, without a ticket. On inquirng the reason for his travelling ticketless, the Babu says he was helpless, though he could afford the ticket, but since the ticket can't be made without a name, he had to travel without a ticket.

This is the Dialog that happens

[TT]: Well what is your name..
[Babu]: D.K. Bose
[TT]: So where is the Problem ?
[Babu]: Well they keep putting it as Bose D K

Did not understand, no problem.. read it again.

G