A Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual “equipment.”
* Warning!: These cigarettes are king size — how about you?
* Warning!: Smoking sections in restaurants aren’t the only things getting smaller.
* Warning!: If you don’t reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.
* Warning!: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.
* Warning!: Smoke rises, but you may not.
* Warning!: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children — That is… if you’re capable of conceiving any.
* Warning!: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff — so do you.
* Warning!: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there’s no before?
* Warning!: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.
* Warning!: Don’t throw lit cigarettes in the urinal — you might not have the range to put them out.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Computer Geek Pickup Lines
Trust me, don't try them with anyone who is not a Geek.
- Nice Set of Floppies!
- Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.
- I'd like to play on your laptop.
- Need me to unzip your files?
- If you were an ISP, I'd dial you all day long!
- I'd like to boot up your PC!
- I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen!
- I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)
- I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...
- Your homepage or mine?
G
- Nice Set of Floppies!
- Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.
- I'd like to play on your laptop.
- Need me to unzip your files?
- If you were an ISP, I'd dial you all day long!
- I'd like to boot up your PC!
- I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen!
- I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)
- I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...
- Your homepage or mine?
G
Thursday, June 21, 2007
6 One Minute Business Lessons
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Telling the time by looking at a Blondes' legs
Another one, though here again, you will find it difficult to replace my blonde friend with a sardar, but sure.. let's go ahead..
In the Morning
!!
By the afternoon, she is day dreaming
!(
In the evening, after a great romp
()
Bed time, too much to drink, too much fun
)(
G
In the Morning
!!
By the afternoon, she is day dreaming
!(
In the evening, after a great romp
()
Bed time, too much to drink, too much fun
)(
G
Kar Di na Saradaron wali Baat !
Well this is not a joke, where you will be able to replace a blonde with a sardar so easily, but try, it will give you another laugh, so where is the joke..
Golu & Bholu are two good friends who travel to office by bus each day, one day Golu meets Bholu on a bus stop riding a bike, and out of amazement, bholu asks Golu on how he bought the bike, the following is the excerpt of their conversation
Golu: Oye Bholu, meri nayi bike dekhi ?
Bholu: Are Golu paaji, kithon le kar aye, kinne paise kharche
Golu: Paaji, free hai, lottery lagi hai !
Bholu: Na na, such dus, nayi taan mere leyi wi leni payegi ik
Golu: Oh yaar, main raat nu late ho gaya si, aande wele main lift mangi bike wale bande ton, thodi der wich mainu pata lagya, oh kudi hai, oh mainu jungle lay gayi, oothe jakar unhe kapde laye, te kehndi hai, jo lena hai le la golu. Main bike fadi, te ley aayan.
Bholu: Oh changa kita, kudiya de kapde sade kis kam aane si, hun office jana te asaan ho gaya na.
G
Golu & Bholu are two good friends who travel to office by bus each day, one day Golu meets Bholu on a bus stop riding a bike, and out of amazement, bholu asks Golu on how he bought the bike, the following is the excerpt of their conversation
Golu: Oye Bholu, meri nayi bike dekhi ?
Bholu: Are Golu paaji, kithon le kar aye, kinne paise kharche
Golu: Paaji, free hai, lottery lagi hai !
Bholu: Na na, such dus, nayi taan mere leyi wi leni payegi ik
Golu: Oh yaar, main raat nu late ho gaya si, aande wele main lift mangi bike wale bande ton, thodi der wich mainu pata lagya, oh kudi hai, oh mainu jungle lay gayi, oothe jakar unhe kapde laye, te kehndi hai, jo lena hai le la golu. Main bike fadi, te ley aayan.
Bholu: Oh changa kita, kudiya de kapde sade kis kam aane si, hun office jana te asaan ho gaya na.
G
A common joke from childhood, happens in real life
When I was a kid, I heard of a joke, where a neighbourhood shopkeeper announces a sale of 50% off, the next door guy to up his ante, announces 60% off, and this goes on, till the other guy announces a 100% off, well this was all a joke, if you dont' remember it, maybe one day I can tell it to you, but the picture below caught my attention
What simple magic tells me in case of 150% is, you go pay Rs. 975 for the book, and they will give you back 975 * 1.5 = 1462.5 and a copy of the book.. WOW.. now this really is a joke.. I know it is nothing to spread on SMS, but it's worth it, to know more click here
G
What simple magic tells me in case of 150% is, you go pay Rs. 975 for the book, and they will give you back 975 * 1.5 = 1462.5 and a copy of the book.. WOW.. now this really is a joke.. I know it is nothing to spread on SMS, but it's worth it, to know more click here
G
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
The Good Bad and The Ugly
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
--
Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
--
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: She’s a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do
G
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
--
Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
--
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: She’s a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do
G
Monday, June 18, 2007
Saving Lives - Twice
DEAR DIARY .. DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I’ve packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I’m really excited.
DEAR DIARY … DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY … DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also played some shuffleboard and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
DEAR DIARY DAY FOUR
Went to the ship’s casino … did OK … won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his stateroom. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY … DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn’t let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
DEAR DIARY … DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today …. twice.
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I’ve packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I’m really excited.
DEAR DIARY … DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY … DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also played some shuffleboard and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
DEAR DIARY DAY FOUR
Went to the ship’s casino … did OK … won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his stateroom. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY … DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn’t let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
DEAR DIARY … DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today …. twice.
The Case of the Ticket with No Name !!
A ticket inspector catches a bengali babu dressed well, shiny stuff on him, without a ticket. On inquirng the reason for his travelling ticketless, the Babu says he was helpless, though he could afford the ticket, but since the ticket can't be made without a name, he had to travel without a ticket.
This is the Dialog that happens
[TT]: Well what is your name..
[Babu]: D.K. Bose
[TT]: So where is the Problem ?
[Babu]: Well they keep putting it as Bose D K
Did not understand, no problem.. read it again.
G
This is the Dialog that happens
[TT]: Well what is your name..
[Babu]: D.K. Bose
[TT]: So where is the Problem ?
[Babu]: Well they keep putting it as Bose D K
Did not understand, no problem.. read it again.
G
Why are Women more Intelligent than Men ?
A few days, back when the radio channel Meow, a women's only radio channel went online, the RJ Ginni I think was talking about how men think they are more intelligent while women are more intelligent, now this my dear has been a matter of discussion / debate for ages, but I think I finally figured out, that women are more intelligent.. Why you ask me, well they are the only one's with two memory (read mamary) glands.. Men have them missing :)
Now imagine.. two slots, of memories.. ha ha
G
Now imagine.. two slots, of memories.. ha ha
G
The Case of the Missing Sardar
Two Sardars on a road, one is busy digging holes, and the other following him is filling them in. This happens all day round, and the Sardars make sure that the whole road is dug up and filled. A man standing in awe of the hard work finally approaches them, and asks, well what you are doing looks all fine, and you are putting in a lot of hard work, but I don't see no sense in it.
The guys reply, we really can't do much, the third sardar who plants the trees took a holiday today.
G
PS: (If I am hurting your emotions, please feel free to replace Sardar with Blonde)
The guys reply, we really can't do much, the third sardar who plants the trees took a holiday today.
G
PS: (If I am hurting your emotions, please feel free to replace Sardar with Blonde)
Why Baggy Pants ?
Well, Joker, Sardar, Blonde are a few words that can make you laugh, even before the joke was told, have you ever noticed, that you can replace the word Sardar for Blonde in any Blonde Joke or vice versa, and still retain the spice / fun quotient of the joke, so, Singh Sahib, Sardarji, and others were out of the question, some basic education told me, (and I think I am right on this one), that I can goto a Thesaurus and find the equal word for something in my head, so head on to Thesauras.Com, punch in Joker, and what comes up, Baggy Pants Man,... aaah revelation.. eureka.. moment.. ooh.... baggy pants sardar.. simply baggy-pants.. Welcome to my new Blog, let's see if I can actually make you laugh.
Some of these Jokes are Jokes, that I think I made myself, some that I come across on a Daily Basis, some well you know, how people can bug you with sms's.
Let's see if I can actually make a career out of stand up.. can I make you laugh ?
G
Some of these Jokes are Jokes, that I think I made myself, some that I come across on a Daily Basis, some well you know, how people can bug you with sms's.
Let's see if I can actually make a career out of stand up.. can I make you laugh ?
G
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