Wednesday, October 10, 2007
WHAT IS MARRIAGE???
1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.
6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.
19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.
21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.
22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
24. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.
25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
lighs on.
26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.
27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.
6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.
19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.
21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.
22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
24. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.
25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
lighs on.
26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.
27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
"Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn" by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
Leg Watching --- ahem Bird Watching
A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held. The professor passed out a sheet of small paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs.
The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. Our student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute. Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever written."
The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have not filled in anything and you definitely have failed the test. Tell me, what's your name?"
The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, "You tell me..."
The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. Our student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute. Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever written."
The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have not filled in anything and you definitely have failed the test. Tell me, what's your name?"
The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, "You tell me..."
Monday, October 8, 2007
Why geeks like computers
unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep............
If you did not understand, you neeed to be a Geek
G
If you did not understand, you neeed to be a Geek
G
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Three Lessons for Some Great Management
Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
*Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth day, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
*Management Lesson - Bull sh** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
*Management Lesson - (1) Not everyone who sh**s on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh** is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep sh**, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
*Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth day, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
*Management Lesson - Bull sh** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
*Management Lesson - (1) Not everyone who sh**s on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh** is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep sh**, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Bugging Telemarketers - How to make sure they never call you !!
These are 5 affective steps that have worked for me, try, maybe they work for you as well
1. Keep a note of the numbers of all telemarketing companies calling you. When you get a call from someone, ask them to call you at your office number, and pass on the numbers from your stored list.
2. Pester the Woman to Marry you, and if it's a guy, and you are a guy, tell him you are gay, and you'd love to meet em.
3. If they are offering you a life insurance, tell them that you are dying of A.I.D.S and will want a cover of 10 Crores
4. If they are offering you a Free Credit Card, tell them that you only want the ones you have to pay for, you don't take free things from strangers
5. If the call is about your car insurance, tell them that you just had your car stolen, and want them to insure it because you forgot to renew your last insurance.
Trust me, they will not call you BACK.
G
1. Keep a note of the numbers of all telemarketing companies calling you. When you get a call from someone, ask them to call you at your office number, and pass on the numbers from your stored list.
2. Pester the Woman to Marry you, and if it's a guy, and you are a guy, tell him you are gay, and you'd love to meet em.
3. If they are offering you a life insurance, tell them that you are dying of A.I.D.S and will want a cover of 10 Crores
4. If they are offering you a Free Credit Card, tell them that you only want the ones you have to pay for, you don't take free things from strangers
5. If the call is about your car insurance, tell them that you just had your car stolen, and want them to insure it because you forgot to renew your last insurance.
Trust me, they will not call you BACK.
G
Have a Brilliant Idea, Get some Funding
This woman, found out, that she has consistent result if she stabs the monkeys in her lab, anywhere from 7 to 9 times.. watch the video, if you are an animal lover, beware.
Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys
Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys
Why Can't Blueline Drivers Drive Properly - Blame it on the Entrance Test
Excerpts found from our exclusive find of the Blueline Driver Licence Examination, (PS we are not trying to be racial)
DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
NOTE: Please do not shoot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give you the licen.
For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.
1. Last name:
(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
2. First name:
(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
3. Age:
(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
4. Sex: ____ M _____ P(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable
5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right
6.Occupason:
(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_)Un-employed
(Check karet box)
7. Number of children libing in the household: ___
8. Number that are yours: ___
9. Mather name: _______________________
10. Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no,leave blank)
11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
12. Dental rekard:
(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other
__________ Give egjhakt color
(Check karet box)
13.Your thumb imparesson :
____________________________
(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.)
PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS
Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dont have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.
NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.
WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THISs
DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
NOTE: Please do not shoot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give you the licen.
For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.
1. Last name:
(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
2. First name:
(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
3. Age:
(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
4. Sex: ____ M _____ P(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable
5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right
6.Occupason:
(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_)Un-employed
(Check karet box)
7. Number of children libing in the household: ___
8. Number that are yours: ___
9. Mather name: _______________________
10. Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no,leave blank)
11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
12. Dental rekard:
(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other
__________ Give egjhakt color
(Check karet box)
13.Your thumb imparesson :
____________________________
(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.)
PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS
Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dont have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.
NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.
WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THISs
Friday, August 10, 2007
A Saudi Interview for Visa to the US
A Saudi being interviewed at the US Embassy for Visa :-
COUNSEL: "Your name, please"?
SAUDI: "Salem".
COUNSEL: "Sex?"
SAUDI: "Six times a week".
COUNSEL: "I mean male or female?"
SAUDI: "Both male & female and sometimes even camels".
COUNSEL: "Holy cow!"
SAUDI: "Yes, cows & dogs too".
COUNSEL: "Man, isn't that hostile?"
SAUDI: "Horse Style, dog style, an style!
COUNSEL: "Oh dear!"
SAUDI: "Deer? No deer, they run too fast!
COUNSEL: "Your name, please"?
SAUDI: "Salem".
COUNSEL: "Sex?"
SAUDI: "Six times a week".
COUNSEL: "I mean male or female?"
SAUDI: "Both male & female and sometimes even camels".
COUNSEL: "Holy cow!"
SAUDI: "Yes, cows & dogs too".
COUNSEL: "Man, isn't that hostile?"
SAUDI: "Horse Style, dog style, an style!
COUNSEL: "Oh dear!"
SAUDI: "Deer? No deer, they run too fast!
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Some Sardar Jokes - Again
Remember I told you, how you could replace a blonde with a Sardar, and the joke remained the same, well here are some new funny ones.
----
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.
Sardarji goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last Words.
And finds It means "U R STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!"
----
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For Best Results put on Two Coats"
----
Santa Singh MBBS
After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his Own practice.
He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch.
Finally he said, I have some good news, the batteries and the Torch are OK
----
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.
Sardarji goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last Words.
And finds It means "U R STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!"
----
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For Best Results put on Two Coats"
----
Santa Singh MBBS
After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his Own practice.
He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch.
Finally he said, I have some good news, the batteries and the Torch are OK
Microsoft Helps Taj Mahal to Move from Agra to Pune
No jokes, they can do anything, they even managed to launch Windows Vista at the Taj, and now supreme court wants to know why :)
Popoye's Mom
Remember the Sienfeld Episode, where George has a doll that looks like his mom, well this lady.. just reminded me of Popoye.
Girl Friends Rule
I have been working on some radical, funny, new t-shirt quotes, but this one, really took me by surprise..
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Brilliant New Business Opportunity
They said, India was taking away jobs, making American's jobless, well this latest video from the Onion News Network talks about it all, watch out Mr. Friedman, you don't have this example in your book.
Report: Many U.S. Parents Outsourcing Child Care Overseas
Report: Many U.S. Parents Outsourcing Child Care Overseas
Monday, July 23, 2007
The Internet has Crashed - Seriouslly
I don't know if this will ever happen, but right now, I just could not figure out, how this guy kept a straight face through the video.. watch it.. you have never seen anything like this before.
G
Friday, July 20, 2007
Planning a Divorce, Read the AtoZ
A is for Alimony … the gift that keeps on giving.
B is for Balls … which are now ours again.
C is for Court … where you finally find out the meaning of a good screw.
D is for Divorce … the alternative to ax murder.
E is for Equitable Distribution … another oxymoron.
F is for Flatulence … finally we can let loose without being criticized for causing the flowers to wilt.
G is for Gandhi…someone you could actually say had lost weight without having to lie.
H is for House … which the bitch also got.
I is for Inmate … where you also get to room with Bubba when the child support is late.
J is for Jewelry … the former great equalizer.
K is for Kids … the best of everything.
L is for Lawyer … whose most recent vacation you just paid for.
M is for Mother … and Oh what a Mother Fucker!!
N is for Not tonight, I have a headache.
O is for Overdrawn … what your checking account always was.
P is for PMS … what we say: “No, honey, you don’t look like you’re retaining water.” …what we mean, “No wonder there’s a citywide drought.”
Q is for Quarter … what YOU get for each dollar SHE gets.
R is for Rehearsal Dinner … should never have stayed for dessert.
S is for Sex … thank goodness she rolled in her sleep.
T is for Throat … the anatomic area she goes for in the settlement.
U is for UPS … the delivery guy you are on a first name basis with, and who spent more time at your house than you did.
V is for Visa … one of several cards she maxed out.
W is for Wrong … which you always were.
X is for X chromosome … I swear some women have more than two!
Y is for Yacht … maybe the next guy will have one.
Z is for Zirconium … I wonder if she ever figured out that all her diamonds were Cubic Zirconium.
B is for Balls … which are now ours again.
C is for Court … where you finally find out the meaning of a good screw.
D is for Divorce … the alternative to ax murder.
E is for Equitable Distribution … another oxymoron.
F is for Flatulence … finally we can let loose without being criticized for causing the flowers to wilt.
G is for Gandhi…someone you could actually say had lost weight without having to lie.
H is for House … which the bitch also got.
I is for Inmate … where you also get to room with Bubba when the child support is late.
J is for Jewelry … the former great equalizer.
K is for Kids … the best of everything.
L is for Lawyer … whose most recent vacation you just paid for.
M is for Mother … and Oh what a Mother Fucker!!
N is for Not tonight, I have a headache.
O is for Overdrawn … what your checking account always was.
P is for PMS … what we say: “No, honey, you don’t look like you’re retaining water.” …what we mean, “No wonder there’s a citywide drought.”
Q is for Quarter … what YOU get for each dollar SHE gets.
R is for Rehearsal Dinner … should never have stayed for dessert.
S is for Sex … thank goodness she rolled in her sleep.
T is for Throat … the anatomic area she goes for in the settlement.
U is for UPS … the delivery guy you are on a first name basis with, and who spent more time at your house than you did.
V is for Visa … one of several cards she maxed out.
W is for Wrong … which you always were.
X is for X chromosome … I swear some women have more than two!
Y is for Yacht … maybe the next guy will have one.
Z is for Zirconium … I wonder if she ever figured out that all her diamonds were Cubic Zirconium.
What if these Glasses were made mandatory in India ?
So, what do you think if these glasses were made mandatory in India, where would you look ?
G
Can you do this in India ? I don't think So
Women lost with directions, even though they had a map, but the map, was just in the wrong place.. Check out the video.
G
Monday, July 2, 2007
Difference Between a Prostitute and a Drug Dealer
Q. What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A. A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
G
A. A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
G
Understanding Women - The Rules
1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn’t abide by THE RULES, it is because he can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
G
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn’t abide by THE RULES, it is because he can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
G
10 Ways to tell someone their fly is unzipped
1. “The cucumber has left the salad.”
2. “Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.”
3. “Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.”
4. “Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.”
5. “Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!”
6. “Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.”
7. “You’ve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.”
8. “You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.”
9. “I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?”
10. “Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis.”
G
2. “Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.”
3. “Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.”
4. “Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.”
5. “Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!”
6. “Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.”
7. “You’ve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.”
8. “You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.”
9. “I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?”
10. “Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis.”
G
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
New Cigarette Pack Warnings - Serious Business
A Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual “equipment.”
* Warning!: These cigarettes are king size — how about you?
* Warning!: Smoking sections in restaurants aren’t the only things getting smaller.
* Warning!: If you don’t reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.
* Warning!: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.
* Warning!: Smoke rises, but you may not.
* Warning!: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children — That is… if you’re capable of conceiving any.
* Warning!: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff — so do you.
* Warning!: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there’s no before?
* Warning!: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.
* Warning!: Don’t throw lit cigarettes in the urinal — you might not have the range to put them out.
* Warning!: These cigarettes are king size — how about you?
* Warning!: Smoking sections in restaurants aren’t the only things getting smaller.
* Warning!: If you don’t reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.
* Warning!: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.
* Warning!: Smoke rises, but you may not.
* Warning!: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children — That is… if you’re capable of conceiving any.
* Warning!: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff — so do you.
* Warning!: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there’s no before?
* Warning!: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.
* Warning!: Don’t throw lit cigarettes in the urinal — you might not have the range to put them out.
Computer Geek Pickup Lines
Trust me, don't try them with anyone who is not a Geek.
- Nice Set of Floppies!
- Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.
- I'd like to play on your laptop.
- Need me to unzip your files?
- If you were an ISP, I'd dial you all day long!
- I'd like to boot up your PC!
- I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen!
- I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)
- I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...
- Your homepage or mine?
G
- Nice Set of Floppies!
- Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.
- I'd like to play on your laptop.
- Need me to unzip your files?
- If you were an ISP, I'd dial you all day long!
- I'd like to boot up your PC!
- I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen!
- I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)
- I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...
- Your homepage or mine?
G
Thursday, June 21, 2007
6 One Minute Business Lessons
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Telling the time by looking at a Blondes' legs
Another one, though here again, you will find it difficult to replace my blonde friend with a sardar, but sure.. let's go ahead..
In the Morning
!!
By the afternoon, she is day dreaming
!(
In the evening, after a great romp
()
Bed time, too much to drink, too much fun
)(
G
In the Morning
!!
By the afternoon, she is day dreaming
!(
In the evening, after a great romp
()
Bed time, too much to drink, too much fun
)(
G
Kar Di na Saradaron wali Baat !
Well this is not a joke, where you will be able to replace a blonde with a sardar so easily, but try, it will give you another laugh, so where is the joke..
Golu & Bholu are two good friends who travel to office by bus each day, one day Golu meets Bholu on a bus stop riding a bike, and out of amazement, bholu asks Golu on how he bought the bike, the following is the excerpt of their conversation
Golu: Oye Bholu, meri nayi bike dekhi ?
Bholu: Are Golu paaji, kithon le kar aye, kinne paise kharche
Golu: Paaji, free hai, lottery lagi hai !
Bholu: Na na, such dus, nayi taan mere leyi wi leni payegi ik
Golu: Oh yaar, main raat nu late ho gaya si, aande wele main lift mangi bike wale bande ton, thodi der wich mainu pata lagya, oh kudi hai, oh mainu jungle lay gayi, oothe jakar unhe kapde laye, te kehndi hai, jo lena hai le la golu. Main bike fadi, te ley aayan.
Bholu: Oh changa kita, kudiya de kapde sade kis kam aane si, hun office jana te asaan ho gaya na.
G
Golu & Bholu are two good friends who travel to office by bus each day, one day Golu meets Bholu on a bus stop riding a bike, and out of amazement, bholu asks Golu on how he bought the bike, the following is the excerpt of their conversation
Golu: Oye Bholu, meri nayi bike dekhi ?
Bholu: Are Golu paaji, kithon le kar aye, kinne paise kharche
Golu: Paaji, free hai, lottery lagi hai !
Bholu: Na na, such dus, nayi taan mere leyi wi leni payegi ik
Golu: Oh yaar, main raat nu late ho gaya si, aande wele main lift mangi bike wale bande ton, thodi der wich mainu pata lagya, oh kudi hai, oh mainu jungle lay gayi, oothe jakar unhe kapde laye, te kehndi hai, jo lena hai le la golu. Main bike fadi, te ley aayan.
Bholu: Oh changa kita, kudiya de kapde sade kis kam aane si, hun office jana te asaan ho gaya na.
G
A common joke from childhood, happens in real life
When I was a kid, I heard of a joke, where a neighbourhood shopkeeper announces a sale of 50% off, the next door guy to up his ante, announces 60% off, and this goes on, till the other guy announces a 100% off, well this was all a joke, if you dont' remember it, maybe one day I can tell it to you, but the picture below caught my attention
What simple magic tells me in case of 150% is, you go pay Rs. 975 for the book, and they will give you back 975 * 1.5 = 1462.5 and a copy of the book.. WOW.. now this really is a joke.. I know it is nothing to spread on SMS, but it's worth it, to know more click here
G
What simple magic tells me in case of 150% is, you go pay Rs. 975 for the book, and they will give you back 975 * 1.5 = 1462.5 and a copy of the book.. WOW.. now this really is a joke.. I know it is nothing to spread on SMS, but it's worth it, to know more click here
G
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
The Good Bad and The Ugly
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
--
Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
--
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: She’s a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do
G
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
--
Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
--
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: She’s a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do
G
Monday, June 18, 2007
Saving Lives - Twice
DEAR DIARY .. DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I’ve packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I’m really excited.
DEAR DIARY … DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY … DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also played some shuffleboard and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
DEAR DIARY DAY FOUR
Went to the ship’s casino … did OK … won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his stateroom. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY … DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn’t let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
DEAR DIARY … DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today …. twice.
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I’ve packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I’m really excited.
DEAR DIARY … DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY … DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also played some shuffleboard and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
DEAR DIARY DAY FOUR
Went to the ship’s casino … did OK … won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his stateroom. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY … DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn’t let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
DEAR DIARY … DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today …. twice.
The Case of the Ticket with No Name !!
A ticket inspector catches a bengali babu dressed well, shiny stuff on him, without a ticket. On inquirng the reason for his travelling ticketless, the Babu says he was helpless, though he could afford the ticket, but since the ticket can't be made without a name, he had to travel without a ticket.
This is the Dialog that happens
[TT]: Well what is your name..
[Babu]: D.K. Bose
[TT]: So where is the Problem ?
[Babu]: Well they keep putting it as Bose D K
Did not understand, no problem.. read it again.
G
This is the Dialog that happens
[TT]: Well what is your name..
[Babu]: D.K. Bose
[TT]: So where is the Problem ?
[Babu]: Well they keep putting it as Bose D K
Did not understand, no problem.. read it again.
G
Why are Women more Intelligent than Men ?
A few days, back when the radio channel Meow, a women's only radio channel went online, the RJ Ginni I think was talking about how men think they are more intelligent while women are more intelligent, now this my dear has been a matter of discussion / debate for ages, but I think I finally figured out, that women are more intelligent.. Why you ask me, well they are the only one's with two memory (read mamary) glands.. Men have them missing :)
Now imagine.. two slots, of memories.. ha ha
G
Now imagine.. two slots, of memories.. ha ha
G
The Case of the Missing Sardar
Two Sardars on a road, one is busy digging holes, and the other following him is filling them in. This happens all day round, and the Sardars make sure that the whole road is dug up and filled. A man standing in awe of the hard work finally approaches them, and asks, well what you are doing looks all fine, and you are putting in a lot of hard work, but I don't see no sense in it.
The guys reply, we really can't do much, the third sardar who plants the trees took a holiday today.
G
PS: (If I am hurting your emotions, please feel free to replace Sardar with Blonde)
The guys reply, we really can't do much, the third sardar who plants the trees took a holiday today.
G
PS: (If I am hurting your emotions, please feel free to replace Sardar with Blonde)
Why Baggy Pants ?
Well, Joker, Sardar, Blonde are a few words that can make you laugh, even before the joke was told, have you ever noticed, that you can replace the word Sardar for Blonde in any Blonde Joke or vice versa, and still retain the spice / fun quotient of the joke, so, Singh Sahib, Sardarji, and others were out of the question, some basic education told me, (and I think I am right on this one), that I can goto a Thesaurus and find the equal word for something in my head, so head on to Thesauras.Com, punch in Joker, and what comes up, Baggy Pants Man,... aaah revelation.. eureka.. moment.. ooh.... baggy pants sardar.. simply baggy-pants.. Welcome to my new Blog, let's see if I can actually make you laugh.
Some of these Jokes are Jokes, that I think I made myself, some that I come across on a Daily Basis, some well you know, how people can bug you with sms's.
Let's see if I can actually make a career out of stand up.. can I make you laugh ?
G
Some of these Jokes are Jokes, that I think I made myself, some that I come across on a Daily Basis, some well you know, how people can bug you with sms's.
Let's see if I can actually make a career out of stand up.. can I make you laugh ?
G
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